Life is crazy and sad. Just crazy and sad...

It is to be expected that when you are a caretaker of animals others have abandoned or don't want, you are going to experience a lot of loss in your lifetime. I think I knew that when I started, but being prepared for it mentally, emotionally and spiritually was something I did not think about. And let's not even begin to count the financial part of this equation.

Max is going down hill faster than I want to see. I mean, he is still the happy boy, but the between times are so difficult. Today, he fell off the back porch. This isn't the first time he has done this, but this time I saw it happen and was too far away to KEEP it from happening. And like the calm and stoic Maximoose he is, he took it in stride and didn't complain in the least.

The back porch is approximately 2 and 1/2 feet off the ground, so it is no easy fall for anyone, but an older dog, I KNOW it had to hurt. I ran to his side and checked him out for injuries, even as he was sitting there with that confused look on his face. No apparent injuries that could be seen, and I helped him to his feet. He followed me around all the time I was outside.

The dogs have their own room on the back of the house. Sort of a catch all mud room with lots of kennels and doggy beds. Max can't come into the house anymore because his sphincter muscles don't work as they used to and he drops poops when he walks. Even so, the room is heated and cooled and comfortable for those who have to wear fur coats year round. But I know he misses being inside. Lizzie stays out there with him at night, while Miss Scarlett and Buddy come in with me.

I know I have said this before, but I HATE death. I do. I know it is part of life and I know where you go when you leave this earth, but that does not make it easier for those left behind to grieve.

I take heart in the fact that the Bible tells us "not to grieve as those who have no hope" and I understand that those I have lost in death, I will see again. It is that before they leave time that is so devastating to me. I just wish I had the means, both financially and magically to make all of that go away and never happen at all.

It will soon be time to say goodbye to my sweet Maximoose. It isn't time yet, but the time is close and getting closer each day. I can see the difference in his physical condition. As for pain, I don't see the signs of it, other than when he does have a fall and I assist him, he sticks close to me for the rest of the day. But his eyes do not tell me that he hopes for release yet. I have seen that look too many times before in other animals eyes to mistake it. I will know when it is time. I hate that. I hate that for such sweet and loving souls, these guys have to hurt in any way, shape or form. He has been a pain in the ass and a blessing to my life in ways you cannot even imagine.

I am laughing now as I remember when I first got him and because he LOVED to go walk-about, I had to keep him inside that first week until I got the fences fixed so he wouldn't disappear. I came home from work, walked the dogs outside to do their business and when we all came back in, I began unloading the groceries. I brought in the paper products first and when I got back with another load of stuff, (just a minute or 2 at the most), there was toilet paper strung from one end of the living room all the way down the hallway. What. The. Heck?!?!

Or trying to keep Max contained in the dog area that was then the laundry room and the kitchen area. How many different configurations did I try with furniture, dog gates, kid gates, boxes and lumber to no avail?

What about the time I was making the final move from Colorado to Arizona and 5 days before we were to leave, Maximoose and Rhett went walk-about and only Rhett came back? How scary was that? I called every vet in town, called the Humane Society, the dog pound, the police station....EVERYONE I knew. I took Rhett and told him we were going to look for Max. Rhett took me straight to the highway and promptly sat down looking right and left, up and down that road. I knew then that someone had picked him up and we would likely never see him again. I was devastated! I called the vets and the Humane Society every day for any scrap of information I could get. But alas. No one had any to give me.

The day BEFORE we were to leave, who shows up on the front porch? Well wouldn't you know, it is Maximoose! With stickers and burrs in his coat, sore and raw paws, somehow he had made his way home to us again. I love that big mop of a dog. My heart will lose a large piece when he takes his leave to be with Rhett and the rest of my family.

But I will be left to finish my work here. In some ways I am glad that they will go first, so that I don't have to worry what will become of them. Or so says my mind. I wish someone would explain that to my heart.

In this horrid in-between time, I will carefully watch. Lavishly love. And never forgive myself for that which I will inevitably not be able to do.

I love you Maximoose.

Just about to LOSE it.

Had a pretty good day today. I mean, I made it through all the patients I had scheduled with only 2 cancelling, so all is good. Kids were great today, everyone doing well, I was happy and ate 7 layer bean dip and cheap tortilla chips on the way home. All in all a pretty good day.

Until I got on Facebook and started getting messages from an old SNF/Home Health patient I used to see.

This woman has been carrying on for the last few months about me coming to see her and I promised I would once I got back from Colorado. I got busy and didn't get over there. I missed answering a couple of her messages when things got so crazy here. So now she is freaking out. Sending me ultimatums with the words "FINE" in them.

I really don't like ultimatums. I also really don't like stress. And I REALLY don't like dealing with angry people. By the time I get home, feed all the animals, do whatever chores I have lined out to do that day, get inside and get cleaned up, eat something if I have enough energy to actually FIX something, I have pretty much had it.   Why is it so difficult to understand that I don't have a husband to do things for me? I don't have a family that does all my chores! I do those chores myself. I DO everything for me and my animals. I don't have help. I DO IT MYSELF. I am tired when I finally get done. I don't WANT to deal with anyone! I need to decompress.

All I want to do is sit and read a book. Or sit and watch a movie. Or even sit and veg on the computer, even Facebook. But that is difficult to do when you have someone who messages you with basic threats and pleadings and YES. I missed a couple of your messages and when you followed up with a threat...I just don't want to deal. I don't have anything to say that would make the situation better. I wasn't angry before, as a matter of fact, I was surprised when I got that message "forgiving me" for not answering the messages. This has escalated into something icky and I had no idea it was even going on. But now I am weary and getting irritated. Life is short. Cut the drama. LIVE your life and let me live mine. I am simply not that important that you need to see me whenever you want.

Bye Felicia.

Christmas 2019

I watched a gazillion videos on YouTube about "How to decorate a Christmas Tree". People changing colors and ornaments and Farmhouse this and Coastal that, different trees and buying things from Dollar Tree, buying things from Wal Mart and buying things from Hobby Lobby.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Hobby Lobby and shopping there is a delight, but these videos leave out a few important things. Individuality. And while there is a lot of creativity in these videos, they forget about continuity. Continuity and tradition. Namely YOUR traditions.

I got wrapped up in watching these and got a few things that I could use, but when I thought about changing colors or ornaments? That would be a Big. Fat. NO.

When I started collecting ornaments after those bad years where I lost everything, I chose colors that calmed and soothed and were my very favorites. I chose romantic story book ornaments, things that spoke to me of the dreams I had as a child because God knows, I needed to rethink the world into one I could live in and love. These things that I have collected are familiar but in the best sense of that word. There is nothing wrong with new and I add a couple of ornaments each year, usually showcase ornaments that speak to my heart, but I don't want to change from what I love and who I am.

So here is to all those who feel the need to change everything each season, to purchase more STUFF and to re-create your home and yourself.

I will continue my traditions with creative twists and a few well chosen treasures. Welcome to my world of "Elegant Whimsy".

Forever in heaven, forever in my heart.

The rain, sleet and snow has finally stopped. The sun is shining brightly and the mountains are covered with a beautiful snowy cap. The Music Mountains are especially lovely this morning, but like all snow in my part of the country, it will not last but a few days.

The seasons continue to roll and pass. Life goes on with steady monotony and magic.

Rizzo, my big Maine Coon cat, passed away in the early morning hours this day. I was sleeping. I didn't get to hold him while he left this world. I am glad he is no longer suffering, but I will forever regret not being able to be with him while he passed into Jesus's arms. Sometimes being an animal keeper stinks. This is one of those times.

God speed, Rizzo. I know you are with Beeker, Elmo, Grover, Kermit and Oscar. The original kitty boy gang is finally together again.

I will miss you until that day I reach the shores of Heaven, where I KNOW you will be waiting for me.

I love you.

Saying good bye

Sometimes I get frustrated. Lately it seems that frustration is a perpetual state for me and when I am frustrated, I tend to be introspective.

It is especially easy to be introspective when you live alone. Well when you don't live with other humans. My family now consists of a LOT of animals. Caretaker. I am a caretaker, an empath and an INFJ personality type.

I have recently done a lot of research into my personality, who I am, why I act the way I do and what circumstances led me to be who I am. Interesting stuff and one day, I may be able to write about it. But not today.

Having an animal family that depends on you and only you is a difficult task. I took this task on because I AM a caretaker and I hate like heck to see anyone or anything going through a hard time and left on their own. Normally, it is my pride and joy to have so many wonderful animals to love and to love me back. However, when you are changing jobs and building a clientele....well you can see where the frustration can kick in. It is only a matter of time before I shall be making more than what I did prior to this position, but that time is not today.

I was so frustrated the other day, I actually thought, "What in the heck am I doing with all of these animals?", and "Wouldn't it be easier if I didn't have so many?", silly thoughts like that. And then without warning WHAM! Maximoose really starts to fail to the point that I think it won't be long before I have to have him put down, Rizzo goes downhill fast in his battle with the big C, Koko Poco comes up lame to the point that it is effecting her appetite to an almost colic and I lose 2 of my little hens from I don't know what.

Serves me right for ever thinking those thoughts. I love my family and I pray and work hard every day so that they will stay healthy and that I will have the means to provide for them. My heart hurts right now. Oh I know that death is a part of life, none of us will ever get out of that fact, but I don't know how much my heart can take at one time. Being able to do nothing to save my babies from death makes me feel so helpless and so not in control of ANYTHING.

I hate death. I HATE death. And I SO look forward to the day that God has death and Hades and has them thrown into the lake of fire and they will be destroyed and be never more a bother for those of us who choose Jesus and Heaven.

It will be soon that I will have to say good bye to Rizzo. He is fading fast. I have him on pain meds and I am hoping that he will just go to sleep and wake up in Heaven with Rhett, Sebastion, Elmo and Oscar, Beeker and Grover and Thomas. I don't want to put him through what Elmo went through! So many of my loved ones are already there and it breaks my heart that all my family will very likely go before it is my time. It just seems...I don't know. But on the other hand, I am glad and honored even, to be there for these sweet ones. God entrusted ME with these little lives. Sometimes, it is overwhelming.

And frustrating.

Perspective

So much coming at me recently. It is overwhelming and my mind is not always able to take it in and wrap around it in a way that provides a successful outcome.

It is indeed the last days. All this liberal lunacy and socialist agenda here in the United States. President Trump removing troops from Syria and basically leaving Israel without the security we are called to provide. The elections in Israel basically coming to nothing good at all. Alec Baldwin with his ignorance on display on Saturday Night Live. I remember when SNL was actually funny and we watched it to escape reality for a few moments.

Demonic attacks, spiritual warfare, longstanding marriages crumbling, families torn apart, wars and rumors of wars, famine, earthquakes and let's not even START with the problems of my next door neighbors, and of course, California. And here I sit, looking at a bare Christmas tree wondering what ornaments to use this year.

I got the arena up three days ago. It has been raining ever since. Hay is rising in price. Again. I am weary.

Please Father! Is it time for us to come home? When will you call us home? Soon. And very soon.

Homesick

I should be there. Right now. I should be there and enjoying this in person.

Having to reschedule sucks. But thank you to those of you who vlog so I can still see what is going on!

Merry Christmas, Minnie and Mickey!