It is especially easy to be introspective when you live alone. Well when you don't live with other humans. My family now consists of a LOT of animals. Caretaker. I am a caretaker, an empath and an INFJ personality type.
I have recently done a lot of research into my personality, who I am, why I act the way I do and what circumstances led me to be who I am. Interesting stuff and one day, I may be able to write about it. But not today.
Having an animal family that depends on you and only you is a difficult task. I took this task on because I AM a caretaker and I hate like heck to see anyone or anything going through a hard time and left on their own. Normally, it is my pride and joy to have so many wonderful animals to love and to love me back. However, when you are changing jobs and building a clientele....well you can see where the frustration can kick in. It is only a matter of time before I shall be making more than what I did prior to this position, but that time is not today.
I was so frustrated the other day, I actually thought, "What in the heck am I doing with all of these animals?", and "Wouldn't it be easier if I didn't have so many?", silly thoughts like that. And then without warning WHAM! Maximoose really starts to fail to the point that I think it won't be long before I have to have him put down, Rizzo goes downhill fast in his battle with the big C, Koko Poco comes up lame to the point that it is effecting her appetite to an almost colic and I lose 2 of my little hens from I don't know what.
Serves me right for ever thinking those thoughts. I love my family and I pray and work hard every day so that they will stay healthy and that I will have the means to provide for them. My heart hurts right now. Oh I know that death is a part of life, none of us will ever get out of that fact, but I don't know how much my heart can take at one time. Being able to do nothing to save my babies from death makes me feel so helpless and so not in control of ANYTHING.
I hate death. I HATE death. And I SO look forward to the day that God has death and Hades and has them thrown into the lake of fire and they will be destroyed and be never more a bother for those of us who choose Jesus and Heaven.
It will be soon that I will have to say good bye to Rizzo. He is fading fast. I have him on pain meds and I am hoping that he will just go to sleep and wake up in Heaven with Rhett, Sebastion, Elmo and Oscar, Beeker and Grover and Thomas. I don't want to put him through what Elmo went through! So many of my loved ones are already there and it breaks my heart that all my family will very likely go before it is my time. It just seems...I don't know. But on the other hand, I am glad and honored even, to be there for these sweet ones. God entrusted ME with these little lives. Sometimes, it is overwhelming.
And frustrating.
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