Max is going down hill faster than I want to see. I mean, he is still the happy boy, but the between times are so difficult. Today, he fell off the back porch. This isn't the first time he has done this, but this time I saw it happen and was too far away to KEEP it from happening. And like the calm and stoic Maximoose he is, he took it in stride and didn't complain in the least.
The back porch is approximately 2 and 1/2 feet off the ground, so it is no easy fall for anyone, but an older dog, I KNOW it had to hurt. I ran to his side and checked him out for injuries, even as he was sitting there with that confused look on his face. No apparent injuries that could be seen, and I helped him to his feet. He followed me around all the time I was outside.
The dogs have their own room on the back of the house. Sort of a catch all mud room with lots of kennels and doggy beds. Max can't come into the house anymore because his sphincter muscles don't work as they used to and he drops poops when he walks. Even so, the room is heated and cooled and comfortable for those who have to wear fur coats year round. But I know he misses being inside. Lizzie stays out there with him at night, while Miss Scarlett and Buddy come in with me.
I know I have said this before, but I HATE death. I do. I know it is part of life and I know where you go when you leave this earth, but that does not make it easier for those left behind to grieve.
I take heart in the fact that the Bible tells us "not to grieve as those who have no hope" and I understand that those I have lost in death, I will see again. It is that before they leave time that is so devastating to me. I just wish I had the means, both financially and magically to make all of that go away and never happen at all.
It will soon be time to say goodbye to my sweet Maximoose. It isn't time yet, but the time is close and getting closer each day. I can see the difference in his physical condition. As for pain, I don't see the signs of it, other than when he does have a fall and I assist him, he sticks close to me for the rest of the day. But his eyes do not tell me that he hopes for release yet. I have seen that look too many times before in other animals eyes to mistake it. I will know when it is time. I hate that. I hate that for such sweet and loving souls, these guys have to hurt in any way, shape or form. He has been a pain in the ass and a blessing to my life in ways you cannot even imagine.
I am laughing now as I remember when I first got him and because he LOVED to go walk-about, I had to keep him inside that first week until I got the fences fixed so he wouldn't disappear. I came home from work, walked the dogs outside to do their business and when we all came back in, I began unloading the groceries. I brought in the paper products first and when I got back with another load of stuff, (just a minute or 2 at the most), there was toilet paper strung from one end of the living room all the way down the hallway. What. The. Heck?!?!
Or trying to keep Max contained in the dog area that was then the laundry room and the kitchen area. How many different configurations did I try with furniture, dog gates, kid gates, boxes and lumber to no avail?
What about the time I was making the final move from Colorado to Arizona and 5 days before we were to leave, Maximoose and Rhett went walk-about and only Rhett came back? How scary was that? I called every vet in town, called the Humane Society, the dog pound, the police station....EVERYONE I knew. I took Rhett and told him we were going to look for Max. Rhett took me straight to the highway and promptly sat down looking right and left, up and down that road. I knew then that someone had picked him up and we would likely never see him again. I was devastated! I called the vets and the Humane Society every day for any scrap of information I could get. But alas. No one had any to give me.
The day BEFORE we were to leave, who shows up on the front porch? Well wouldn't you know, it is Maximoose! With stickers and burrs in his coat, sore and raw paws, somehow he had made his way home to us again. I love that big mop of a dog. My heart will lose a large piece when he takes his leave to be with Rhett and the rest of my family.
But I will be left to finish my work here. In some ways I am glad that they will go first, so that I don't have to worry what will become of them. Or so says my mind. I wish someone would explain that to my heart.
In this horrid in-between time, I will carefully watch. Lavishly love. And never forgive myself for that which I will inevitably not be able to do.
I love you Maximoose.
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