I came home early yesterday, as I got in early to work anticipating a heavy patient case load. Lo and behold, an extra therapist showed up so that left me 2 patients less to see, so like.........YAYNESS!!!
But coming home in blizzard conditions and feeding horses in the snow, brought back bad memories. As I trudged back and forth, getting blankets on the old girls, hauling hot water for soaking the pellets, dragging the wheel barrow instead of pushing it through the ever mounting snow........
I guess it was inevitable that I would dream those dreams when I fell into bed last night. It is 5 pm on New Years Day and the sadness and icky feelings are still with me.
I have never spoken too much about the reasons the marriage did not work. I don't think it is at all classy to do such a thing and I have seen so many people trash the other involved when a relationship comes to an end........so very sad. There is always 2 sides to every story and how can anyone be certain of what another's' reasoning was when they did what they did and what their motives were?
I don't think anyone but God can know those things. But what I do know, is that the breakup left me feeling used and worthless, sad and at times, angry. Angry because I moved all the way to Colorado and put everything I had into a relationship that had obviously so little value to the other party involved. Sad, because I trusted and proved my trust by changing my entire life for this relationship and for what? Everyone, including God Almighty says, forgive and forget. But it isn't that easy and forgiveness is something that happens every day in my world. Forgetting is even more difficult because memories happen every day.
That last year in Colorado was bad. The whole situation left me in a position where over 1/2 of my paycheck was paying for health insurance that wasn't my own, resulting in having little left to support myself. I found myself a small and VERY rustic home. It wasn't insulated, it had no central heat, no stove or refridge, no gas and no running water. It hadn't been occupied for a good 4 years and was rat and mouse infested, it needed cleaning up or rather, mucking out before I could even THINK about moving in. I spent a MONTH cleaning with a face mask on for fear of contracting hantavirus, which had already claimed the life of a Denver man earlier in the year. What it DID have was electricity and a wood burning stove, (not hooked up) and 40 acres of dead pine trees for firewood that the owners were more than happy to have me cut and use. I skipped eating for a week and bought the stuff to hook that wood burning stove up, and thanks to Ace Hardware guys and their advice, I had a working wood burning stove.
I have always been a pretty independent person, so it was a humbling experience when friends pitched in and helped me out. Beth and Kevin hooked up the water situation to a reservoir tank, so that although I would have to haul water to the tank, I would have water for the house. Kevin did plumbing work to enable me to have running water, although I did not have a water heater and would have to heat water. Annemarie, Tony and Richard helped me move horse panels, horses and what household items I had. Beverly helped me clean. And clean. AND CLEAN. Kevin and Gary cut wood for me. Not once. But TWICE. Cords and cords of it.
It snowed a LOT beginning in October and lasting until March. It was COLD. I moved all my dogs, cats and birds into the one room with the wood burning stove and I slept in my big club chair, taped off the windows with black plastic to keep the cold air from coming in. I heated water on the wood burning stove and cooked on my little electric hotplate. I hauled water in my pickup for 10 horses, 3 dogs, 3 cats, Noah and Stimpy and myself. I trudged through snow that was at times 2 feet deep to feed and water twice a day. Luckily for me, the facility I worked at offered employees lunch for a buck a day. Each payday, I bought a ten dollar ticket and ate my biggest meal a day there. I shopped strictly at The Dollar Tree and lived on beans and rice. I washed clothes in the sink and when I could afford to, at the laundry mat. I determined to move BACK to a warmer climate and prayed. I put in one application and before I could put in another, I had a job waiting for me in Kingman, Arizona.
My little family and I live in Kingman, Arizona now. We have heat and running water. We have a stove and a fridge. We have dog food and cat food and hay and people food too. I have a job I LOVE going to and friends across the street.
It rarely snows here. So maybe I won't have to remember.
Welcome to a new year and a new life.
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