Is it finding yourself or just remembering who you are?

TWENTY SEVEN YEARS.

It has been 27 years since that breakup of a relationship that took it all away. I did not realize THAT was what it was, but when you become a single mother with an ex-someone who tries to thwart your every move, you can lose who you are through having to remain tough.

I am not a tough woman. Strong, but not tough. Smart and resourceful, but certainly not tough. I have always had a marshmallow heart for my children and it was difficult to play the "tough love" game to get them through those horrid teenage years. SO glad that time is over and even more glad to know that pushing them made them take responsibility and not be a child at 35 living in your mother's extra bedroom. Although they would say differently, God and I know the truth.

Moving back to Arizona from Colorado has been wonderful. Colorado is such a beautiful state! But not for me....for an Arizona gal, that is like 9 months of winter and 3 months of summer. And I love the green and rain, but holy cow! Not THAT much! I am much more suited to a desert sunset ride than a snowy, up to your cinch, ride. I love my Arizona. And I love where God chose to place me.

I have a home I love, I have a job I adore and I have all my animal family. But finally having a home, rather than moving place to place means nesting and that is something I haven't done in a long time. Choosing furniture, making a garden, putting up a barn....I haven't done that in earnest for 27 long years. These past 5 years have been a trial as I try out one look after another in my mind only to find that they are not me at all. But FINALLY. Finally I remembered who I am and what brings me happiness when I step into my little home.


This blog I write tonight, I write for me. For that time, if it ever comes, that I need to remember all the things that brought me through the past 5 years BACK to the woman I am. The woman I had forgotten existed. The woman who loves classical music. NOT country. The woman who loves saving and caring for animals and gardens. The woman who prays for the children she bore and still loves.  The woman who loves the Hollywood Regency furniture and wears boots and lacy socks with her dresses. The woman who loves and trusts a great and mighty God. The woman God has blessed beyond all expectations.

These photos are for me. To remember. To remember ALL of it...

 

 

 

 

Thank You for the adventure, Father God. I love You.

Laughter at all the wrong times.....

Odd how a memory will all of a sudden POP into your head.

REALLY bad when one does that as you are in church and you are trying desperately to not break out in laughter. Yeah. It happened to me today.

I went to church today, Saturday, because I just wanted to have the day at home on Sunday. Got lots to do and not enough time to do it in. You know the drill.

So during worship time, there we are singing and a certain song comes up and of course it brings the funniest of memories to my mind. The song was "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand" and the memories flowed from there.

I have a daughter. She will be turning 35 this year. I don't speak of her much to anyone. A long time ago, I learned the best way to handle not having anything nice to say is just to say nothing at all.  Better that way. But there was a time when she was cute and precocious and oh, so sweet! I know I may be biased, but I don't think there was ever a little girl that was as cute as her. She was quick and bright, inquisitive and I always knew that lurking behind that little smile was a creative and curious mind.

When I was a younger woman, I had boundless energy. Always on the move, making and creating and I LOVED being a Mom. When my children were little, at bedtime I would sit between their open doors and read them books. We covered so many different books, but their favorites were always from C.S. Lewis.....The Chronicles of Narnia. So much magic! When I read "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" to them, they were enchanted and many summer days were spent in the back yard with swords and imaginations.

So I did what any Mom would do. I built them a "Dawn Treader". Smack dab in the middle of  what would be a sand box. A HUGE sand box. I made the sail out of red canvas and on it there was a big Aslan, right in the middle. It had a poop deck and a ladder and I never did get that ships wheel to stay on correctly, but they loved it.

When it came time to fill the sand box with sand, we talked about it. Did they want white sand? Did they want sand that looked like a sea shore or just plain brown sand? What? I remember her answer clearly, as if she uttered it only today.

"Well I just want the kind of sand Jesus has. Not that stinking kind."

Wait. WHAT???

I questioned her as to what she was referring to and she broke out in song, belting out these words....

"On Christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is stinking sand! All other ground is stinking sand!"

I had a really difficult time in church today. To not bust out laughing like I did that day long ago.

I guess the moral of this story is......If you are building a sand box for your kids, make sure you don't fill it with STINKING SAND.

Because that would be icky.

Crapolla

After careful consideration and many frustrating moments along with a few choice words, I have decided to completely redo my fodder growing system. The first one was too small!

I have 8 horses, (for now) which means for 15 pounds of fodder for each horse a day, I need to run 56 flats per week. YIKES. My old fodder system only ran 30 flats per week. Which is still a lot, just not enough.

So last night, after working all day on the old system, I took it all apart and am re-configuring it today. Hopefully, I can have it up and running tonight because my horses LOVE their fodder.

Photos and instructions to come. (Yeah right).

Easter blessings to your family on this wonderful, wonderful day!

cate

Sunshine and rain

Beautiful day today! Sunshine and rain both. Go figure.

I am reworking the fodder grower I made today. Wish I knew what I was doing. LOVE the videos on YouTube, but they don't explain enough for someone who is mechanically challenged.

But my horses love the fodder and I am determined. Today I will be working on the watering system as it needs to be automated to save me time and be more efficient.

Good luck on that one. I'll post pics later.

Maybe.

This is going to be a loooong wait....

Today is April 17, 2019.

My trip to Disneyland is scheduled for November 2019.

THIS is going to be a loooong wait! I only hope I survive to see my beloved Disneyland again!

So why do I like DisneyLAND over DisneyWORLD??? Well, I am glad you asked. Both are great places to visit and both are magical, but DisneyLAND is the original. And in my opinion, Disneyland is more of Walt Disney's dream whereas Disneyworld is more of Roy Disney's vision.

I love walking under the railroad archway when walking into Disneyland. It feels like the first time, EVERY time I do that. Magically, I become that little 8 year old girl that went there that first time way back when. As I walk through that and enter into Main Street, I remember my Uncle Wally, the one who gave me my very first trip to Disneyland. He gave me a gift of wonder and magic and I am forever grateful that gift. Uncle Wally was pretty dang special. I always wanted marry him when I got older. Miss him very much!

 This year, I have decided to do everything I want and haven't been able to do because of being with other people and compromising, as one has to do when you go with a group. Soooooo.....I am staying at the Candy Cane Inn, where I have always wanted to stay, but have never been able to. I even reserved a deluxe king room so that I don't feel so cramped and can enjoy the time I must spend away from my Disneyland friends.

I am always envious of those staying at this lovely little place when I see the exclusive Candy Cane Inn Disneyland shuttle taking back those weary Disneyland adventurers at the end of the night whilst I walk my tired butt back to where I am staying! Well no more. My turn has come!

 I am also looking forward to seeing the lovely landscaped grounds and pool from close up and not from the sidewalk as I pass by ON FOOT!

But the very best thing about this trip is that STAR WARS LAND is opening on May 31, 2019! And I will be there to see this brand new land after all the bugs have been worked out. YAYNESS!!! And all the Christmas decorations will be up! AND I got the MaxPass option so ALL my photos will be available for download to my smart device. Now I just have to figure out how to do all that stuff. NOT a techie bone in this old body!

This year, I have also decided to join in with all the other people who have been Disney Bounding for years. I have joined a group that does this and posts photos regularly. Here are some ideas that I found via the internet...

I haven't yet decided who I will choose to emulate, but I am getting closer to a decision and have even picked up some items for a start. But I already ordered my mini backpack! (Just not arrived or packed yet!)

So reservations are in place and paid for, tickets are paid for and a fancy schmancy rental car is in place and waiting for me. I even got personal pick up service so I don't have to park my vehicle at the rental parking garage here at home. My pet sitter is already confirmed, so that worry is off my mind as well!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have heard it all before. I am too old to be this excited over Disneyland. BUT when you have a full time job AND run a farm, it is difficult to get away for any amount of time and for me that can only come once a year. If I can only get away ONCE a year, then I am going to the Happiest Place on Earth. I will go and have a blast and honor the memory of my dear Uncle Wally at the same time!

I am more than excited! I. CANNOT. WAIT!!!

Unfortunately, I have to....

Christmas Tears

It is the last day of November.

Most of us have started or even finished our Christmas shopping and are wrapping gifts for under that tree we decorated the day after Thanksgiving.

And some of us are thinking we should probably seriously begin to think about getting those rotting pumpkins off the front porch.

Me? Of course my tree is up! My baking is beginning and I am busily watching Hallmark movies on the new Roku tv I gifted to myself on Thanksgiving day. No Disneyland for me this year, but I am happily ensconced into my little home and enjoying the days off that would normally be spent at Disney. I am beyond happy!

Which brings me to the reason for writing today. In the middle of the day while my sweet potatoes are baking. (More about that Christmas Cookie Recipe in another blog!)

MOVIES. Specifically Hallmark movies! I have not made it a secret that I am no fan of normal cable television or even less of a fan of the Hollywood crowd. Quite honestly I don't want that garbage in my home or more importantly in my mind! So I made a decision years ago to let go of that after a short and thought provoking Bible study on Psalm 101. David of the Bible, although a total screw up at times, was, after all, a man after Gods own heart! I cannot think that I would not want to be like him in that respect!

"I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate of them that turn aside: it shall not cleave to me."

Psalm 101:3 

So I got rid of the cable connections, don't have an antennae, but I DO have internet. I was excited when one of those companies started advertising they were going to do an 'a la carte' package where you could pick and choose what you wanted and pay for only what you wanted. Pack of lies, of course. It was not that at all. You will get to choose extra programs for those already in your pre-chosen PACKAGE. And that package deal came with things I don't want in my home. Gotta tell you! I LOVE my smart television for a-la-carte is exactly what I have and did I mention that I LOVE IT?!?!

I have HGTV, Hallmark, His Channel, One Place and of course QVC. I mean really. Where else am I going to be buying old lady clothes that I will probably never have the place to wear them to?

But as it is coming Christmas, I have been enjoying the movies and going through Kleenex like I have stock in their company! I ran across 2 that I think you should know about, ones you may want to watch with your family or even alone. I promise you, they will touch your heart and pull those strings....help you to remember the most important thing about this season of love and giving.

The Santa Suit. Don't miss it and not just because Kevin Sorbo is in it. Don't miss it because we all need to believe in the magic of love and how love can change your heart!

A Dog Named Christmas. The. BEST. Movie. EVER! Comes from Hallmarks Hall of Fame, it is worth the time to watch so cuddle up with a cozy blanket, popcorn and of course, your best friend!

Merry Christmas, my friend!

Revelations in the mysteries of family life.....

I guess I can rightly say that this particular post was inevitable. A long time in coming, but without a doubt, inevitable.

Life does that sometimes. Hits you upside the head with a freakin' 2x4.

Many, many moons ago, my Daddy introduced me to a new author, or at least an author I had not known about. It was the summer of my 10th year of life and I, like most 10 year olds, was underfoot, in the way and about as useful at tits on a boar hog, as my Grandma would say. As summer waned, it got worse. But my Daddy, God rest his soul, saved me from boredom and unlocked for me a marvelous journey and adventure that long summer. One I shall never forget and will be forever grateful for.

Our family has always been made up of voracious readers. I can remember a time when each member of the family has failed to hear a beckoning from someone else due to the fact their nose was buried in some book or another. We all varied in our tastes of literary genius, but we ALL had a taste for the written word. One of my pride and joys is the fact that I, in turn, fostered that same love into the lives and hearts of my two children.

But that summer, a new series of book was published in a book club edition wherein if you signed up, you got a set number of books each month for a set dollar amount. I don't recall the name of the book club, but they were published by Walter J. Black INC in Roslyn, New York. The author, yet unbeknownst to me, was a man by the name of Zane Grey. My love affair began.

I am not sure why Daddy thought these books, by this author would appeal to me. My age alone would suggest that I was too young to appreciate them fully, if at all! Perhaps he was just tired of hearing my endless questions as I followed him around his work and he simply sought a way to shut me the heck up. Looking back, it is difficult to fathom that I was only 10 years of age, because upon introduction to this author, I began devouring book after book after book! Daddy eventually had the entire library collection and today, depending upon the title and the condition, you can find these books everywhere on Ebay, Amazon and any other vintage book nook. I have yet to achieve the entire collection myself, but believe me, it is my intent, as I never finished reading them all. There were SO many! I asked Daddy what his favorite title in the collection was and he said it was a toss up between two. #1; Call of the Canyon and #2; Under the Tonto Rim. Under the Tonto Rim was one of the last books Daddy got before I moved out of the homestead and struck out on my own, so I never read that one while Daddy was still on this earth.

I finished that book tonight.

I learned a lot about my Daddy during the reading of this book, but I hardly had identified this throughout the book until I came to the last chapter. I know now why Daddy loved it best. My Daddy was ever the romantic. I see that now where I did not see it before I read this title, but he was! He was a big, lovable, goofy, backwoodsman, romantic marshmellow! My Dad, the lumberjack! My Dad, the fearless soldier of D-Day! My Dad, the ultimate homestead provider! My Daddy, the one who bought Mom tires for her Toyota for their 32nd wedding anniversary!

Yeah that totally doesn't fit the mold of a romantic and believe me, God broke that mold eventually and the world lost a generation of the best men ever created. But in the reading of this book, it all became clear. Good and true and fine.....noble and generous with a back bone of steel and a simple way of looking at life. He was there. My Daddy, the man who raised 4 of his own blood children, and a daughter of his wife and that daughters child. I met my Dad in this book in a way I never dreamed I would, never had a clue I would. And I fell in love with him all over again.

Family is a messy thing. A wonderful, convoluted, frightful, messy thing. But now, Daddy, I understand and I want you to know. It is okay and I am fine and I will make it, many thanks to you and all you taught me. I will do my best to hold onto the lessons and the picture of you and the memories......oh the memories! And you know what Daddy? Those tires for your 32nd wedding anniversary? They were just PERFECT!

I miss you.