Winter to springtime...

A time to rejoice. I see the sun earlier than before. I look forward to being woken by sunlight streaming in my east facing bedroom window! I have missed being outside in the cool of a morning, laced with dew and the fresh feeling of the air on my skin. Darkness, even that in winter, is depressing.

Depression takes many forms. It is a mystery to me how people can say silly things like, “Just snap out of it!” As though it were really that easy? Do you think someone would choose to live like this? I think this form of debilitating illness is so misunderstood.

I took a shower tonight before retreating to my Princess bed that has yet to be painted. Something I thought I would do in the dark of winter, but it never happened. The painting, I mean. I shaved my leg and arm hair. Mostly because if you feel the wind in your leg hair as you walk, you KNOW it needs to be done. (TMI) Fortunately for me, jeans and not being married don’t require that I have to do that each shower.

Freedom.

I actually put lotion on too. I love the smell of Johnson and Johnson baby lotion. Coming out from the darkness has its advantages.  Maybe I can make it through the night without tears.

I miss you, Maximoose. Sweet dreams.

One More Day

Life. Death. Depression. 

It is a never ending cycle. January 31, 2020. A good bye to a dearly loved friend. My Maximoose. My sweet, patient, ever loving, never complaining Max. How do I live without him? I am SO tired of saying good bye. Tired of making hard choices. Tired of pain and suffering. Tired of crying and blaming myself for not being able to stop the inevitable and tired of not being able to accomplish the impossible.

Did he understand? Never have I ever had such a champion fighter. One who was so tired in body but not in spirit. One who loved me without judgement and accepted me with all my flaws. As though I had none. As though I were perfect. I did not deserve such devotion. But he did.

I now understand Buttercup when she said, "I shall never love again." 

How can you love again when your heart wings its way to heaven along with your big, goofy, irresistible fluff ball of a dog who loved you and trusted you like that?

I cannot settle to any activity. I jump from one thing to another, never accomplishing any progress with anything. I started to work on finishing the garden fence. I tried to catalog seeds. I tried to clean house. Do laundry. Muck pens. Quasi measured my flatbed trailer for the Gypsy Vardo I want to begin. Spent hours lost on Pinterest just staring and seeing nothing but his sweet face. 

Scarlett is so sad. She mirrors exactly what I feel inside whilst Buddy and Lizzie frantically try to be happy and engage us in the every day reality of life.

What is the point in trying to live? I just want to go home.

I love you Maximoose. I know you are with Scooter and Rhett and Sebastion. I just miss you. But I promise you that as soon as my work here is done, I will join you as quickly as I can.