A time to rejoice. I see the sun earlier than before. I look forward to being woken by sunlight streaming in my east facing bedroom window! I have missed being outside in the cool of a morning, laced with dew and the fresh feeling of the air on my skin. Darkness, even that in winter, is depressing.
Depression takes many forms. It is a mystery to me how people can say silly things like, “Just snap out of it!” As though it were really that easy? Do you think someone would choose to live like this? I think this form of debilitating illness is so misunderstood.
I took a shower tonight before retreating to my Princess bed that has yet to be painted. Something I thought I would do in the dark of winter, but it never happened. The painting, I mean. I shaved my leg and arm hair. Mostly because if you feel the wind in your leg hair as you walk, you KNOW it needs to be done. (TMI) Fortunately for me, jeans and not being married don’t require that I have to do that each shower.
Freedom.
I actually put lotion on too. I love the smell of Johnson and Johnson baby lotion. Coming out from the darkness has its advantages. Maybe I can make it through the night without tears.
I miss you, Maximoose. Sweet dreams.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Sunday, February 2, 2020
One More Day
Life. Death. Depression.
It is a never ending cycle. January 31, 2020. A good bye to a dearly loved friend. My Maximoose. My sweet, patient, ever loving, never complaining Max. How do I live without him? I am SO tired of saying good bye. Tired of making hard choices. Tired of pain and suffering. Tired of crying and blaming myself for not being able to stop the inevitable and tired of not being able to accomplish the impossible.
Did he understand? Never have I ever had such a champion fighter. One who was so tired in body but not in spirit. One who loved me without judgement and accepted me with all my flaws. As though I had none. As though I were perfect. I did not deserve such devotion. But he did.
I now understand Buttercup when she said, "I shall never love again."
How can you love again when your heart wings its way to heaven along with your big, goofy, irresistible fluff ball of a dog who loved you and trusted you like that?
I cannot settle to any activity. I jump from one thing to another, never accomplishing any progress with anything. I started to work on finishing the garden fence. I tried to catalog seeds. I tried to clean house. Do laundry. Muck pens. Quasi measured my flatbed trailer for the Gypsy Vardo I want to begin. Spent hours lost on Pinterest just staring and seeing nothing but his sweet face.
Scarlett is so sad. She mirrors exactly what I feel inside whilst Buddy and Lizzie frantically try to be happy and engage us in the every day reality of life.
What is the point in trying to live? I just want to go home.
I love you Maximoose. I know you are with Scooter and Rhett and Sebastion. I just miss you. But I promise you that as soon as my work here is done, I will join you as quickly as I can.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
A new year calling: Random thoughts
First post of the New Year. 2020. Did you ever think you would see this time?
I watch the news that is running over the airwaves and am appalled and excited at the same time. I never thought I would live to see these things unfold in my lifetime.
There are so many people who are deluded and depraved of mind and they cannot discern good from evil. It is frightening at times. Until I remember that God IS still in control. Nothing is a surprise to Him and He knows what tomorrow shall bring.
I spent last week, searching the Scriptures and praying. I have had it with going to this church and then another church and then another church, hoping to hear the Word preached in strength and truth and each week, being disappointed. I am weary and I long for a church HOME.
I know some may think me odd, but for me, I see it this way. IF I am attending a church and calling it my home, I am placing myself under submission to those in leadership. If they cannot even preach or teach the Word in a way that can be understood, or if they are scared to teach the WHOLE Word for fear it might offend, or if they skip entire subjects and parts of the Word for the same reason....how can I trust them? I will be supporting that church financially and I don't want to support something that isn't pleasing to God or representing God correctly. I am lonely for a church home and so I started praying. REALLY praying. I wrote down verses and marked them and said in my mind, "I need this, and this, and THIS", over each one. Then I placed it in Gods hands with a plea that surely, surely there was a church out there for me.
Sunday. This past Sunday, January 5, 2020, I walked into my home church. As I sat and listened to the pastor speak, I checked off each and every single scripture verse I had written down. He hit EVERY SINGLE ONE. The sermon was bold and truthful. Delivered with power and gentleness. It was as if God put His hand on my shoulder and shouted in my ear, "THIS ONE. THIS is the church you need to join with!" When the end of the time together was over, the altar call came, to step forward for those who wanted to accept Jesus as their Savior. For those needing prayer. For those who needed a church home.
And so I stepped forward and placed my membership in this church. Now the adventure begins.
Today is January 7. Three years ago, I lost my sweet Rhett to cancer. Tumors on his spleen that we didn't know were there ruptured and took him from me. I hate death. I was so worried for Scarlett and sweet Max when Rhett left us. Mostly Scarlett, but Max's grief came to my notice when Buddy joined our crew. Three years and I still grieve. Three years and I still miss him. I wish death was already done and over....thrown into the lake of fire, to be no more. But it is something we shall all face. It will not be long before Max and Scarlett join Rhett and the 3 Amigos shall be reunited in heaven. Leaving me here to finish my work, until I too face that day when death will take me.
I am not scared to die. I don't look forward to the pain that it may entail, but I know where I will be when it is over and oh! I so look forward to that! The book of Hebrews states, "It is appointed for a man to die once and then face the judgement" (Hebrews 9:27-28), so I know that with Jesus, who took my sins to sacrifice unto Himself, I will rejoice on that day. To be not just with my Savior, but with the family who loves me so again. We will all be together for eternity. ETERNITY.
That is a LONG time.
I watch the news that is running over the airwaves and am appalled and excited at the same time. I never thought I would live to see these things unfold in my lifetime.
There are so many people who are deluded and depraved of mind and they cannot discern good from evil. It is frightening at times. Until I remember that God IS still in control. Nothing is a surprise to Him and He knows what tomorrow shall bring.
I spent last week, searching the Scriptures and praying. I have had it with going to this church and then another church and then another church, hoping to hear the Word preached in strength and truth and each week, being disappointed. I am weary and I long for a church HOME.
I know some may think me odd, but for me, I see it this way. IF I am attending a church and calling it my home, I am placing myself under submission to those in leadership. If they cannot even preach or teach the Word in a way that can be understood, or if they are scared to teach the WHOLE Word for fear it might offend, or if they skip entire subjects and parts of the Word for the same reason....how can I trust them? I will be supporting that church financially and I don't want to support something that isn't pleasing to God or representing God correctly. I am lonely for a church home and so I started praying. REALLY praying. I wrote down verses and marked them and said in my mind, "I need this, and this, and THIS", over each one. Then I placed it in Gods hands with a plea that surely, surely there was a church out there for me.
Sunday. This past Sunday, January 5, 2020, I walked into my home church. As I sat and listened to the pastor speak, I checked off each and every single scripture verse I had written down. He hit EVERY SINGLE ONE. The sermon was bold and truthful. Delivered with power and gentleness. It was as if God put His hand on my shoulder and shouted in my ear, "THIS ONE. THIS is the church you need to join with!" When the end of the time together was over, the altar call came, to step forward for those who wanted to accept Jesus as their Savior. For those needing prayer. For those who needed a church home.
And so I stepped forward and placed my membership in this church. Now the adventure begins.
Today is January 7. Three years ago, I lost my sweet Rhett to cancer. Tumors on his spleen that we didn't know were there ruptured and took him from me. I hate death. I was so worried for Scarlett and sweet Max when Rhett left us. Mostly Scarlett, but Max's grief came to my notice when Buddy joined our crew. Three years and I still grieve. Three years and I still miss him. I wish death was already done and over....thrown into the lake of fire, to be no more. But it is something we shall all face. It will not be long before Max and Scarlett join Rhett and the 3 Amigos shall be reunited in heaven. Leaving me here to finish my work, until I too face that day when death will take me.
I am not scared to die. I don't look forward to the pain that it may entail, but I know where I will be when it is over and oh! I so look forward to that! The book of Hebrews states, "It is appointed for a man to die once and then face the judgement" (Hebrews 9:27-28), so I know that with Jesus, who took my sins to sacrifice unto Himself, I will rejoice on that day. To be not just with my Savior, but with the family who loves me so again. We will all be together for eternity. ETERNITY.
That is a LONG time.
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