Frequency

I have a love of books and movies that deal with time travel.

Tonight, I finished watching the movie "Frequency". (For the 83rd time...maybe more!) And although it is not a true "time travel" movie, it touches my heart and stirs my mind the same way.

My heart always breaks and I ALWAYS cry, (regardless of how many times I watch it), when Dennis Quaid, as Frank Sullivan, tells his son, Jim Caveziel, who plays John Sullivan, over the ham radio...."I love you son". Johnny's reply and Jim Caveziel's acting should have won him an academy award for that scene alone.

I wonder how many of us would go back into our lives and change things that have happened. What would those consequences be? How much does someone's life REALLY impact the world? Important things? Not so important things?

Maybe that is why I love this movie so. Lucky for John, he got his father back, and his mother also. The bad guy ends up dead. People the bad guy was supposed to kill did not die and all was well.

Life is not made of stories that always end happily. I think we are all walking examples of that. Each of us hold memories that hurt and have shaped the way we see the world, how much we are able to trust. How much we are able to love and give and receive. It is called growing up.

Psychology this day and age has screwed with the world more than many people know. Where once we took responsibility for our actions and words, now we cover things with 'disorders' and 'syndromes' and allow people to shift the blame to someone else for their bad behaviors.

I am not saying that chemical imbalances and mental disorders are not real. What I AM saying is that sometimes, a LOT of the time, people hide behind those as a way to act badly and not take responsibility. I have witnessed this. More times than I care to remember.

How precious the love between a father and his son, or mother and their child is! But so many times I see this destroyed because the child blames all his misfortunes and all his bad behavior on parents who only did the best they could with what they had to do it with. Such an entitled society we have created. Where any and all can be laid at the feet of our parents because WE are too entitled to take responsibility.

My mom was a mess. You would not have known it had you met her, but that poor woman was a MESS. She came from a difficult past. Lost her Dad when she was really young. Grew up in the depression. Fought for all she had and kept fighting until the end. But never once did I hear her blame her mom for her problems. Along the way she gained some pretty nasty habits. Habits that I strove to keep out of my version of mothering. We never did get along very well. But not once, not one single time, did I ever hear her lay the responsibility of her behavior at the feet of her mother. She was a hard woman and not always fair and was a lot of the time selfish, but she was what she was.

If I am ever compared to my mom, I hope that is what is said of me. She took responsibility for her actions and did not blame someone else when things did not go her way.

I was so angry at my mom when she passed away. I had long ago pulled away from her due to her bitterness and anger, but I always held hope that someday.........someday we might be able to sit and talk and come to some sort of mutual respect, if not understanding. One where she did not attempt to guilt trip me or ridicule me for my beliefs. And I held the hope that I could get her to understand Who Jesus is and what He did for her and every other person on the face of the planet. Regardless of our differences, as much as I disliked her behaviors, I always respected her. Simply because God placed her in my life as my mother.

When she passed away that hope was killed. And I was angry. Sometimes I still am but I am sure I hurt her in many ways, just as she hurt me and there is this little thing called FORGIVENESS.

Totally gets in the way of carrying that anger and hurt. But so, SO worth doing. Sometimes I have to forgive on a daily basis or minute to minute basis, depending on thoughts that bounce into my head much like that big red rubber dodge ball did when I was in grammar school recess.

The one thing that saves me from going crazy is knowing that at the time I did all I knew how to do to make things right. It did not work, but I did what I knew to do. I could do no more.

Hind sight is 20/20 always. I know that the Bible teaches us "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people" (Romans 12:18) But some people will not allow you to live in peace with them. That is when you forgive and in my instance, back away because all you are going to do is continue to argue and cause hurt. So in the ending of this musing let me borrow Frank Sullivan's words in paraphrase.

"I love you, Mom"