It has been 27 years since that breakup of a relationship that took it all away. I did not realize THAT was what it was, but when you become a single mother with an ex-someone who tries to thwart your every move, you can lose who you are through having to remain tough.
I am not a tough woman. Strong, but not tough. Smart and resourceful, but certainly not tough. I have always had a marshmallow heart for my children and it was difficult to play the "tough love" game to get them through those horrid teenage years. SO glad that time is over and even more glad to know that pushing them made them take responsibility and not be a child at 35 living in your mother's extra bedroom. Although they would say differently, God and I know the truth.
Moving back to Arizona from Colorado has been wonderful. Colorado is such a beautiful state! But not for me....for an Arizona gal, that is like 9 months of winter and 3 months of summer. And I love the green and rain, but holy cow! Not THAT much! I am much more suited to a desert sunset ride than a snowy, up to your cinch, ride. I love my Arizona. And I love where God chose to place me.
I have a home I love, I have a job I adore and I have all my animal family. But finally having a home, rather than moving place to place means nesting and that is something I haven't done in a long time. Choosing furniture, making a garden, putting up a barn....I haven't done that in earnest for 27 long years. These past 5 years have been a trial as I try out one look after another in my mind only to find that they are not me at all. But FINALLY. Finally I remembered who I am and what brings me happiness when I step into my little home.
This blog I write tonight, I write for me. For that time, if it ever comes, that I need to remember all the things that brought me through the past 5 years BACK to the woman I am. The woman I had forgotten existed. The woman who loves classical music. NOT country. The woman who loves saving and caring for animals and gardens. The woman who prays for the children she bore and still loves. The woman who loves the Hollywood Regency furniture and wears boots and lacy socks with her dresses. The woman who loves and trusts a great and mighty God. The woman God has blessed beyond all expectations.
These photos are for me. To remember. To remember ALL of it...
